What's Different about Peacemaker Parenting?
Peacemaker Parenting shifts away from traditional parenting in that it views parental authority as coming alongside our children to lead, guide, disciple, and help them grow and mature, instead of standing over them to make demands of them and punish them when they don't obey. And our reason for this? It's exactly what God has done with us. First, He gave us Jesus as a model of how to live out His original plan for humanity. But He also gave us a helper - the Holy Spirit to lead, guide, disciple, and help us obey Christ.
Peacemaking authority
Peacemaker Parenting is parenting from a place of authority. But we are careful to use our authority, strength, and power in right ways and for good ends. We must love our children with a self-denying, self- giving, self-sacrificing love that looks beyond ourselves and to the ultimate good of our children. For herein lies the paradigm shift: how we parent our children is rooted in what we believe about God and how He treats us. It isn't until we understand and fully embrace that His kindness, not threat of punishment or promise of reward, that leads us to repentance, that we can choose to model that kindness to our children.
"When He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will GUIDE you into all truth." John 16:13
"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will TEACH you all things." John 14:26
"But when the HELPER comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father, He will testify of Me." John 15:26
"Likewise the Spirit also HELPS in our weaknesses." Romans 8:26
Parenting with peace and purpose, as peacemakers, requires us to recognize that being in authority is not about exerting power over our children, but about coming alongside them and sharing safety, security, wisdom, and discernment because they do not posses them on their own.
Parenting with authoritative authority vs. authoritarian authority.
Our approach to authority plays a pivotal role in shaping the character of our children. And there's little doubt that how we model authority has spiritual implications as well. We see examples of authoritative authority throughout the New Testament, not only in the ministry and teaching of Jesus, but also in the formation of the early church. It comes through clearly in Paul's encouragement and correction of the churches in Corinth, Thessalonica, and Galatia. While authoritarian authority seeks to shape a child's behavior through (often rigid) rules and punishments, authoritative authority seeks to shape a child's character by modeling the compassionate and merciful nature of God, allowing room for grace and forgiveness when mistakes are made.
Wondering what this looks like in action? Check out these posts for some ideas:
I used to be an angry, yelling mom. Postpartum anxiety left me feeling ragey over every little thing. Too many toys on the floor? Yell at my toddlers to pick them up. Blueberries dropped on the kitchen floor? Yell at them that food belongs on a plate, not the floor. Fighting over a toy? Yell at them that it's not okay to hurt each other! Yes, I even yelled at them to stop yelling in the house.
I knew yelling when it wasn't an emergency was harmful to my children's developing brains and to our relationship. And I was committed to changing and doing better. But for me, learning not to yell took time and effort. (And yes, since my rage was the result of postpartum anxiety, it required addressing the root issues as well,)
One of the tricks I used to keep from yelling was to sing or use a "shocked queen" voice when I caught myself yelling or felt the urge to yell. Over time, I learned to SWITCH off my yelling habit. Here's what I mean:
Interrupt your neural pathways
Whether yelling was passed on to you from your parents, or you started using it out of desperation, once your brain learned to use yelling as a parenting tool, it formed a neurological pathway that makes it really, really easy to resort to yelling. As you work to transform your parenting triggers, create new responses, and use new parenting tools you have to create a "roadblock" on the old pathway so your brain learns to take the new pathway - or new response. Here are some "roadblocks" you can use to S.W.I.T.C.H to a new response so you can start developing new habits.
Start Singing
This is a great tool to use when you're feeling frustrated, or when your kiddo doesn't seem to be listening. Singing has been found to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body, and because it is a tool for building connection with your child, it can help ease tensions and help you communicate in a less threatening way. Example: kids fighting over a toy - Sing: "You can come up with a plan, to share between two brothers. Or you can put it in my hand, and it will stay with mother. Until you come up with a plan that shows kindness to each other. The great thing with kids is that you don't even have to use a familiar tune! It's fine to totally wing it!
Whistle a Tune
When you catch yourself yelling, switch to whistling a tune for just a few moments. Not only will this serve as a "roadblock" to redirect your brain to the new habit you're working towards, it can also help calm your stress response. Whistling forces you to breathe through pursed lips, which is a proven way to slow your heart rate and calm your central nervous system. Plus, whistling has been found to lighten your mood. If you can't whistle? Don't worry! You can blow through your lips as if you're whistling, and still get the stress- calming benefits.
Imaginative Play
Playfulness is a tried and true way to connect with your child. When you catch yourself yelling, switch to imaginative play to help ease the tension that just exploded. Example: Child isn't cooperating at bed time, and you've just yelled to get in the bath or else... "Or else, when your feet turn to flippers you're going to fall straight to the ground and start flapping and flopping like a fish out of water! It's just about time for mermaid flippers to show up!" You can use any and all imaginative play, and the great thing is that you don't necessarily have to stop yelling! You can continue with the momentum, but shift it to playfulness and silliness.
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk
This one is handy because you can use that *tsk tsk* sound that's notorious for communicating shame, and use it positively instead! When you catch yourself yelling, switch to a Tsk...tsk. sound between your teeth. That sound is an alveolar formed by suction in your mouth, and you can use it to settle your nervous system and interrupt your old neural pathway. Be careful with this one, though. If you're overly hard on yourself, or struggle with guilt and shame, either skip this one, or only use it intentionally and without shaming yourself or your child.
Cough, Cough
It's a bit surprising, but coughing - a really good, guttural cough, can help lower your heart rate by stimulating the vagus nerve. That's why this is a great tool for interrupting yourself when you catch yourself yelling. You already have a bit of force coming out of your mouth - simply redirect it to a few good, hard, coughs to help lower your heart rate and re- wire your brain. Once you've accomplished the task of interrupting the old habit, remember to practice your new response to replace yelling.
Hum...
Kind of like whistling, humming is a great tool to switch off your old habit of yelling. Humming has been found to be a natural way to self soothe, as it reduces stress and induces calmness throughout the body. Humming can be used in place of mindful breathing to softly force air out of your belly. And lastly, humming is known to elevate one's mood and promote feelings of peace and happiness. Tip: Have a song in mind that will be your go-to when you catch yourself yelling. Don't assume you'll be able to come up with one on-the-spot!
Need more helping taming your parenting triggers? Check out our Transform Your Parenting Triggers workshop, it's helped thousands of parents understand and heal their triggers so they can parent with peace and purpose.
It’s not enough to know what not to do. We need to know what we are going to do when we’re running low in both the caffeine and patience departments. When we are in the days of going from child to child through the night, waking up early, swimming in mismatched socks and burning breakfast again, it can be hard to remember what we're "supposed" to do! Here are a few ideas you can practice to find out if it works well for your family:
First, stay calm
Keep your voice and your body calm. You are your child's mentor, guide, and most trusted influence. You do not prove that you're in charge by controlling your child, you prove you're in charge by controlling yourself. You may need to use your calm body to help them.
Example: Your child does not want to brush their teeth. Rather than continuing to say "you have to brush your teeth" in a thousand different ways, or making threats to try and convince them to do the thing, it might just take you gently helping them walk into the bathroom. And as you walk, say, "You don't want to brush your teeth right now. It is my job to help your teeth grow healthy and strong so we are going to brush your teeth together, I will help you. (We have more tips for teeth brushing here.)
Second, be compassionate
If you struggle to empathize with your child, try to think about how you feel when someone else exerts their will, authority, or agenda on
you. Chances are, you feel some discomfort. Hold boundaries and limits with compassion and empathy. Try to get to the heart of the issue by being curious about what's happening under the surface. For older children you can ask them, "Hey, I noticed ______________‚ what's up?" For younger children, you can validate their feelings while holding your boundary, "You are very sad it is time to leave the park. I understand, I feel sad when I have to leave my friends too."
Third, be clear
Peacemaker Parenting values teamwork and collaboration, and boundaries are primarily enforced to keep people, animals, and things safe and healthy. Being calm, compassionate, and clear about boundaries is kind, because it establishes a culture of safety and security. Calmly and clearly describe how you are going to help them or hold a boundary: "It is not safe to jump on the couch. I am going to take you outside so you can jump on the trampoline." For older children, you can offer a do-over.
Fourth, be co-regulating
You do not need to "fix" your child's feelings about your boundary. It is okay if they're disappointed, confused, overwhelmed, disoriented, upset, sad, and annoyed. Those are normal human emotions and your child will experience them thousands of times throughout their life. When you are not overwhelmed by your child's feelings, they will learn not to be overwhelmed by their feelings! Rather than shutting down their emotional reaction, be the non-anxious presence that they need. Your calm nervous system quite literally teaches their nervous system how to return to a state of calm (over many years and with lots of practice!).
Lastly, rely on wisdom, not rules when it comes to holding boundaries
As parents it is important for us to recognize when we've drawn a boundary unnecessarily, unreasonably, uncharitably, or without proper perspective. It is okay reconsider and change your mind - this models flexibility, humility, collaboration, and learning from mistakes. This requires wisdom, discernment, attunement to your child's physical, emotional, and sensory needs, self-awareness, and emotional maturity. It is a learning process, and that's okay.
First, parenting without punishments isn't permissive. Here's why:
Jesus is our model. When we look at the life, teaching, and ministry of Jesus, we see the life-changing power of discipleship. Jesus confronted, rebuked, and corrected sin, but He never punished His disciples or followers. Even when He had the right to call for legal punishment, He chose mercy. Was Jesus permissive? No!
Jesus' warnings about mercy
Not only did Jesus give us a model for grace and mercy, but He also gave a warning about mercy in Matthew 18:23-35. And surprisingly, that warning is about being stingy with forgiveness and mercy—not being too generous with it. While His parables are not necessarily directives, the fact that His only warning on the topic is about not showing enough mercy, we as Christ- followers should give serious consideration to the implications.
Grace and mercy are not mutually exclusive with accountability
One of the key pillars of Peacemaker Parenting is that we recognize the need for accountability and restoration. We also recognize that God postures Himself toward us in reconciliation before we seek repentance. God initiated restored relationship and it cost Him everything and me nothing. So if we're looking to parent our children with Jesus at the center of our home and family, we have to be willing to bear the "cost" of repair when it is beyond their ability or capacity to repair. Understanding this means that accountability looks like restoration, not retribution and that it is a virtue taught over many years.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Remember your parenting is a calling, not a reaction to how you were parented.
For those of us who are followers of Christ Jesus, how we parent should first and foremost be a calling and conviction of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and it should reflect the heart, character, teaching, and life of Jesus.
It's much easier to slide into permissiveness when our parenting choices are made as a reaction to how we were parented. Rather than moving forward in the Way of Jesus, we swing the pendulum in the opposite direction of our upbringing. This is, quite simply, just another form of reactive parenting.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Respond to, but don't feel responsible for your child's emotions.
You are responsible for nurturing, connecting with, and meeting your child's needs. And you're responsible for teaching them about emotions. But that is not the same thing as fixing their feelings or trying to make sure they're happy all the time. When you feel responsible for making sure your child is happy, you'll wind up giving in to demands, whims, and wishes just to keep the peace. This is neither Jesus-centered nor healthy parenting. Instead of fixing, respond with understanding and compassion while also holding necessary boundaries.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Be clear, compassionate, and calm with boundaries
Kids are going to experience disappointment, confusion, upset, sadness, and overwhelm when it comes to holding boundaries. Those are normal human emotions that they'll experience thousands of times in life. Parents not being overwhelmed by their feelings teaches them how not to be overwhelmed by their feelings, so it’s up to us to learn to be be the non-anxious presence that they need.
Your calm nervous system quite literally teaches their nervous system how to return to a state of calm (over many years and with lots of practice!).
Focus on building your personal calming toolkit: try things like butterfly hugs, breath prayers, rubbing a circle on your chest, spending time in nature, getting some intense exercise more regularly, etc and see what helps you the most.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Be aware of developmental ability and capacity
Understanding how God designed children to develop is critical for having wisdom about your expectations for them. Unreasonable expectations are neither Christlike nor healthy. When you understand a child's ability and capacity, you are able to better discern how to respond to age-appropriate, but unacceptable behaviors. This requires so much wisdom, attunement to your child's physical, emotional, and sensory needs, self-awareness, and emotional maturity. It is a learning process, and that's okay.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Make, practice, and evaluate a response plan
One of the most tangible ways to minimize permissiveness is to have a plan of action. That plan should be based on your core values, an understanding of your child's development and learning style, and your ability and capacity. For parents who tend to be easily angered or reactive, the first part of their plan might be to step away in order to calm down.
While parents who don't struggle with anger will not need this physical reminder to be calm.) Writing out a plan of action for some of your most challenging parenting situations helps you be proactive and responsive in the heat of the moment.
Looking for tools that will help you parent with peace and purpose? Check out our Peacemaker Parenting workshop:
It is good to have visions and goals For many people, myself included, the start of the new year symbolizes a fresh start and new beginnings. I'm not trying to discourage you from setting goals. I've created many a vision board and set many intentions over the years. In fact, for the past three years I've shared the following parenting goals:
Unfortunately for many of us, New Year's isn't actually the best time to be setting new goals. Research indicates that only about 9% of people who make New Year's resolutions actually complete or accomplish them. So what if we switched it up a bit? And gave ourselves just the new habit of asking one question each day?
It's a simple question that may not have a simple answer. But I want to invite you to ask it because it centers Jesus as the source of growth and change, not our own grit and grind. And it reminds us that we are invited to participate in the work Christ is already doing, not merely to "do better, try harder" at being the person we wish we could be.
That is our hope, this new year. Jesus is at work in and through us. And while we may have good goals and big visions for change this year, we'll find sustainable growth in daily answering His invitation for small, often mundane maturing.
Goals are good. But if they're overwhelming in this season of your life, I hope you know that it is okay not to set any. Jesus is already working in and through you. He is always making all things new. He's making you new today, just like He was on October 25 and will be on April 3. And while it is helpful to embrace the motivation and energy we feel from others, if that motivation and energy leaves you feeling like you have to strive to keep up, to be new, or to be better, it's the wrong kind of energy. Jesus calls us to abide in, and rest in the work He has already done, and trust in and join Him in the work He is still doing.
