There is a popular teaching in Christian parenting circles, sometimes stated outright but often implied: teach your children to obey you so that when they grow up, they will know how to obey God. With such a heavy burden, parents develop catchy phrases like, "Obedience is doing what I say, when I say it, with a happy heart," or "Obedience the first time, every time."
At first glance, this idea may seem logical, even biblical. But when we examine Scripture, we see that this approach goes beyond what Jesus actually teaches. In reality, it promotes legalism rather than true obedience, and it is rooted in a flawed understanding of both obedience and spiritual formation.
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For many of us, emotions can feel like a mixed blessing—“positive” emotions give spice and vitality to life, while “negative” emotions are the obstacles that lead us into sin and thus are something to suppress. But what if emotions, both the delightful ones and the uncomfortable ones are a precious gift from God?
I want to talk to you parent to parent.
For many of us, it didn’t take long to see the obvious error + danger that comes with spanking a child to get them to comply. Hitting kids = not good. It isn’t all that difficult to understand.
But what I want to share with you is that being a gentle, peacemaking parent is a whole lot more than just not spanking.
Not spanking does not equal gentle parenting.
The first is a step in the right direction! The latter is a lifestyle that must be learned and practiced consistently by parents.
Being a peacemaker parent comes from an understanding and appreciation for who your children are, who you are, and who Christ is. If that is a new concept to you, you can read more about that here.
Operating as a person of peace in the raising of our children is such a gift to them and goes far beyond the absence of spanking.
If we choose not to spank but continue yelling, shaming, punishing, and other loud and damaging modalities, we are not peacemaker parents!
A peacemaker parent is Christlike + bursting with the fruits of the Spirit.
Questions to ask yourself in a crisis as you cultivate and pursue being a peacemaker:
Am I operating in the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control) even when confronted with conflict or crisis?
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
How would Jesus answer my child right now?
The one who says that he remains in Him ought, himself also, walk just as He walked. I John 2:6
The one who says that he remains in Him ought, himself also, walk just as He walked. I John 2:6
Are my hands and arms open to give love + grace to my child in their time of need?
I have spread out My hands all day long to a rebellious people, Who walk in the way which is not good, following their own thoughts. Isaiah 65:2
I have spread out My hands all day long to a rebellious people, Who walk in the way which is not good, following their own thoughts. Isaiah 65:2
Is my voice soft + gentle or is it big + scary?
A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
Would I be proud to show someone how I am confronting this situation?
Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. II Timothy 2:15
Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. II Timothy 2:15
These questions are hard to ask ourselves sometimes–and we need to remember that the Lord always gives us grace as He empowers us with His Spirit. Chances are, there will be many times that the answers to these questions are "no". But we keep trying and keep working toward the goal of being a peacemaker.
At the end of the day, we do our best as parents. There is no perfect parent, but we do have a perfect model–Jesus Christ. We always look to him. The author and finisher of our faith and we model His methods, His ways, and His teaching the very best that we can as we raise our little disciples to be like Him.
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When it comes to parenting styles we must first take a moment to think about our goals.
I think oftentimes this decision is made based on how an individual was parented. We either think we turned out fine and try to replicate what we remember of our experiences or we feel some level of trauma and we do 100% the opposite. Now both of those instances are from a position of goodwill toward our children, but is it possible that there is more to this decision than that? I would say a very hearty yes.
That is where we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable (maybe even with our own selves) and make some serious choices.
What is important to you as a parent?
I remind myself often that the short period of time my children are here at home under my roof is really only a small part of their lives. My job is to train them to be hard workers, critical thinkers, and steadfast individuals who are unwavering in the truth.
These life skills don’t develop through a parent’s use of fear tactics and punishments to force compliance.
Actually, science tells us that the brain isn’t receptive to developing positive behaviors and habits when fear and punishment are involved.
Fear and stress send the brain into crisis mode and the person becomes like a deer in the headlights just looking for the fastest way out. Compliance is obtained, but it isn't heartfelt obedience or from a place of love and trust. It's a survival instinct. The more effective way to train our children in these skills is from a position of peace.
It is in this place where children are ready and able to learn, create habits, and correct behavior.
The Bible tells us something about this too—this scripture verse has become a motto for me and I refer to it nearly every day…
“And the seed whose fruit is righteousness, is sown in peace by those who make peace.” James 3:18NASB
How cool is that?!
If we want our children to develop into strong individuals, rooted in righteousness, and bursting with fruit, what do we do? We sow the seeds in peace and we become people of peace.
The heart of peacemaker parenting is this…
Christ is our perfect example.
He showed us peace, purchased peace, and gave us a sufficient measure of grace to operate in that peace through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Something else that is neat is the fact that modern neuro-science backs up God’s plan for family peace. How could it not, right?!
If you are new to peacemaker parenting and are ready to learn, then buckle your seatbelt and head over here!
No need to feel overwhelmed here! I’m going to leave you with just a couple simple things to help you as YOUR mind is processing and learning. These are tools that I personally use and find really beneficial to me as a mama doing my best to be a peacemaker.
- Before responding to a crisis, ask yourself “am I in a place of peace?”
Sometimes it takes a pause and a deep breath, sometimes it takes a handful of mini Twix bars. Whatever the case may be, just get in that place of peace before addressing a crisis. This one gets easier as you practice it. And you’re going to find that if you come into a storm with your peace, it helps calm the chaos around you. - Re-evaluate and determine if you are seeking justice or if you are seeking peace.
There is a big difference here! I know this because I’ve been on both sides. Sometimes we just want a punishment to fit the crime, but that isn’t where we peace, is it? When the goal is peace, there is often true repentance and resolution. Instead of looking to bring justice, look for ways to bring peace. - Speak and declare peace over your home. Find God’s promises for peace. Be proactive and pray them over your family. Here are a few of my favorites—> Numbers 6:24-26 | John 14:27 | Isaiah 26:3 | Psalm 34:14 | Hebrews 12:14 | Ephesians 4:3 | 2 Corinthians 13:11
Sometimes Christians get really concerned that our culture is influencing how we interpret the Bible. I understand that concern and think it’s a very real issue. But I think we often forget that culture has been influencing how we understand Scripture for a very, very long time.
For example, the Romans thought they were the new covenantal nation just a few hundred years after Christ, likely because they were essentially an unstoppable force and they perceived themselves to be especially blessed by God because of their military successes. (Does that sound familiar?)
It’s really interesting to examine how art influences our interpretation of Scripture. A classic objection to Gentle Parenting is that Jesus whipped the money changers in the temple. But did He really?
Let’s look at what the Bible actually says about this story, and provide some clarity to common assumptions and culturally-influenced interpretation.
ASSUMPTION: JESUS WAS ANGRY AT THE MONEY CHANGERS
Scripture does not say Jesus was angry during this event. It’s certainly a possibility that was angry. We are reading it with our own preconceived ideas if we attribute His actions to anger, because Scripture is silent on whether or not He was angry.
We can tell from Scripture that He was not acting in a fit of rage or flying off the handle when He cleared the temple. We can be very nearly certain that He didn’t lose His cool and start going crazy. How do we know? John and Mark both suggest His actions may have been planned. In Mark 11:11-19, Jesus visits the temple but waits until the next day to do anything, and in John Jesus takes the time to make a whip from cords (John 2:15.) These both indicate that His actions were not impulsive or “knee jerk reactions” to the situation playing out at the temple.
ASSUMPTION: JESUS USED A WHIP ON THE MONEY CHANGERS
We do know that Jesus used a whip! But nothing indicates that He used it on people.
Scripture tells us there were livestock in the temple and that Jesus drove them out with a whip He constructed. This might sound a bit intense or dramatic, but it was the cultural norm to use a whip to herd and direct livestock. He was simply using a common tool for the common work of herding livestock.
ASSUMPTION: JESUS YELLED AT THE MONEY CHANGERS
Mark and Matthew clearly state He was teaching when this happened and that people were amazed at His teaching, and no Scripture indicates that He yelled at them.
I suspect most scholars view this interaction as an angry outburst because the Greek word for “overturned” the tables is “katastrephó” (catastrophe) and that sounds chaotic and crazy. I’m a bit rusty on my greek, but I think katastrephó is descriptive of the act of overturning, not the motivation behind the act. Additionally, the word does not inherently imply it was an outburst.
ASSUMPTION: JESUS WAS CLEANSING THE TEMPLE
This assumption is easy to make because most Bibles provide a story title that reads something like “Jesus cleanses the temple.” Here’s the thing we often forget, though: animals in the temple were a normal occurrence, and selling animals for sacrifice and paying a temple tax were required by Jewish law. The exchange of money itself would not have been cause for concern. Some commentators suspect that the focus had grown beyond service to profit and that unfair prices had essentially turned the temple courts into an exploitive marketplace.
Other scholars believe His motivation was symbolic. “Because Jesus drove out people and animals that were essential [to temple life], many scholars view his action not as a cleansing of the temple but as a symbolic act predicting its destruction. This puts Jesus in line with the actions of Israel’s earlier prophets and agrees with the words that John 2:19 has Jesus utter on this occasion: “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.” Jesus seems to have envisaged that the temple would be removed to make room for whatever more perfect state of affairs would replace it in the kingdom of God.” (James F. McGrath, “Jesus and the Money Changers.)
If His actions were symbolic, there’s literally no reason He was acting in anger, and, of course, there is no Scriptural evidence to suggest He was.
WHY ARE THESE ASSUMPTIONS SO WIDELY BELIEVED?
We don’t usually think about how art impacts our interpretation of Scripture, but a vast majority of the art depicting this story shows Jesus with His hands raised, whip in hand, coming at the people.
Christ Cleansing the Temple by Bernardino Mei
Christ Expelling the Money-Changers from the Temple by Nicolas Colombel
Christ Driving the Money Changers out of the Temple Valentin de Boulogne
It’s easy to see how our understanding of this story may be influenced by the cultural understanding of cultures before us. Reading Scripture without cultural bias is very nearly impossible. But if we are to rightly divide the Word of Truth (II Timothy 2:15), we cannot be content only to understand Scripture through our cultural bias. We must be willing to ask hard questions of the text and ourselves and pray for wisdom as we seek the heart of God.
