Rethinking Obedience: Leading Our Kids to Jesus, Not Just Rules

There is a popular teaching in Christian parenting circles, sometimes stated outright but often implied: teach your children to obey you so that when they grow up, they will know how to obey God. With such a heavy burden, parents develop catchy phrases like, "Obedience is doing what I say, when I say it, with a happy heart," or "Obedience the first time, every time."

At first glance, this idea may seem logical, even biblical. But when we examine Scripture, we see that this approach goes beyond what Jesus actually teaches. In reality, it promotes legalism rather than true obedience, and it is rooted in a flawed understanding of both obedience and spiritual formation.

Obedience to Christ is the Work of Christ in Us

Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, we see that on our own, we cannot obey God. Obedience is not something we master through sheer willpower or strict training; it is the work of the Holy Spirit within us.

Ezekiel 36:26-27: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."
John 14:15-17: "If you love me, keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—the Spirit of truth."
Philippians 2:13: "For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose."

If obedience to God is the result of His transformative work in us, then it follows that our children's obedience to God will also be the work of the Holy Spirit in their hearts—not the result of rigid parental enforcement.

Modeling Obedience Rather Than Enforcing Compliance

As parents, our role is not to compel obedience through force, coercion, or fear, but rather to model obedience to Christ and invite our children into a relationship with Him. Forced compliance is not the same as heart transformation.

When we see our children's disobedience, we can let it remind us of how hard obedience truly is. It is so difficult that none of us can do it alone—we all need the help of the Holy Spirit. Instead of reacting with frustration or punishment, we can respond with grace and guidance.

A compassionate response: "I can tell you're having a hard time following directions. I'm here to help you."
Providing support: With gentle firmness, offer the assistance they need to follow through. This could mean adjusting the plan or helping them complete a task.

- **Connecting their experience to faith:** Later, revisit the moment. "Hey, remember earlier when you needed help obeying? I knew you needed help because sometimes I do too. God helps me obey Him, just like I helped you. It can be hard to do things we don’t want to do, right? Jesus loves us so much that He helps us obey even when it’s hard. What do you think about that?"

Respond to the root (causes) not the fruit (disobedience)

Brain science shows us that behavior is communication. If a child is repeatedly struggling to follow instructions, meet expectations, or respect limits, it is often a sign of unmet needs, unrealistic expectations, or unclear communication. Instead of assuming defiance, we can ask ourselves:

Are my child's physical, emotional, and sensory needs met? Are they well-rested, well-fed, and physically comfortable?
Are my expectations developmentally appropriate? Am I asking something they are truly capable of handling at their age?
Am I communicating clearly? Am I getting physically close, making eye contact, and minimizing distractions?
Is something else going on? Are they experiencing stress, fear, illness, or other struggles that might be affecting their ability to follow through?

When we address these underlying factors, we set our children up for success - not just in following our directions, but in learning to trust that Jesus is with them in their struggles.

Leading Our Children to Jesus

We want our children to love and obey Jesus, who desires their good. But leading them to Him must reflect His love and grace, not fear and control. If we want our children to trust Jesus to work in their hearts, we must show them what it looks like to rely on Him ourselves.

Rather than teaching blind obedience, we have the opportunity to teach something far more powerful: a deep, abiding relationship with Christ, where obedience flows naturally from a heart that trusts and loves Him.

By shifting from a focus on outward compliance to inward transformation, we can raise children who follow Jesus not because they were forced to, but because they have experienced His love and grace firsthand.

Looking for practical help when it comes to disobedience? Our Raising Kids Who Listen: Obedience Rooted in Trust workshop is full of Scripture and Science-backed approaches to behavior struggles.