When “No” Is the Norm
If you're raising a child with PDA (clinically known as Pathological Demand Avoidance, though many in the autistic community prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy), you know what it’s like to live in the land of no.
No to getting dressed.
No to brushing teeth.
No to leaving the house.
No to things they actually want to do.
No while they're doing the thing you asked them to do.
No that seems to come before they even hear the question.
It can be exhausting, confusing, even infuriating. And if you’re anything like me, it can leave you questioning yourself as a parent - or worse, questioning your child’s heart.
But Jesus tells a story that speaks directly to this place.
The Parable That Changed My Perspective
In Matthew 21, Jesus shares a parable of two sons.
A father asks both sons to go work in the vineyard.
The first son says no - but later changes his mind and goes.
The second son says yes - but never follows through.
Jesus honors the one who initially refused, but eventually showed up.
That son didn’t get it right the first time. He didn't obey all the way, right away, with a happy heart. Yet Jesus elevates his slow yes over the one who offered quick agreement with no follow-through.
It’s a stunning reminder: Jesus sees beyond the initial “no.” He honors the process. He values the slow yes.
Admittedly, this parable is almost surely not about neurodivergence. Jesus has an important lesson that He's teaching His original audience - the religious leaders of the day. But as modern parents navigating neurodivergence and PDA, we can find hope and wisdom in this passage.
Understanding PDA: It’s Not Just Defiance
PDA isn’t just stubbornness or willful disobedience. It’s a nervous system stress response to perceived threat and danger. it’s a neuro-biologically ultra-sensitive threat detection system in the brain. For people with PDA tendencies, loss of autonomy is felt, and responded to, as a threat. Demands feel dangerous.
Saying no is your child’s defense mechanism against a threat.
Recognizing that our PDA kiddos have a neurological difference that influences their frequent opposition doesn't mean we throw out all structure or expectations. But it does mean we pause and reframe what that no might mean.
Sometimes no is a placeholder for “I’m overwhelmed.”
Sometimes no means “I need to feel like I have a choice.”
Sometimes no is “I want to say yes, but I don’t know how to get there.”
And when we create safe, grace-filled spaces and nurture trust? Often, their no begins to melt away. Maybe not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. But it happens - often quietly, often unexpectedly.
Your Child Is More Than Their Diagnosis
As parents of an autistic child, it can be incredibly validating and helpful to understand our child's unique wiring. Getting a diagnosis can be one of the best ways to better understand and support their needs.
We can teach our children that many in the autistic community find deep connection by clearly identifying themselves as autistic, and they may find that to be true for themselves as they grow.
But let's remind them of this: autism is a part of who our children are, but it's not who they are. Yes, their brain are uniquely wired, and it's good to recognize that! But autism is not their whole identity.
Your child is not defined by PDA.
They are not defined by their neurodivergence.
They are not defined by the no.
They are not defined by their neurodivergence.
They are not defined by the no.
They are defined by the image of God they bear.
And if Jesus can see the sacred beauty in a slow yes, we can see it in our children too.
Honoring the Slow Yes
What does it look like to honor the slow yes?
- We learn to speak their language, so demands are minimal, and autonomy is offered as much as possible.
- We offer genuine choices instead of ultimatums,.
- We learn and model patience, trust, and presence.
- We learn to see the small steps as sacred.
- We learn not to take things personally.
- We anchor ourselves to Jesus in the midst of a lot of unpredictability.
- We believe that transformation happens - even when it’s not fast or flashy.
Sometimes, the holiest parenting work isn’t in quick compliance or instant obedience. Sometimes it’s in the gentle, day-after-day faithfully honoring the slow yes.
And when it comes, even in a whisper, we celebrate. Because it reflects not just our child’s growth, but the way of Jesus.
You’re Not Alone
If your days are full of no, take heart. You're not failing. Your child isn’t broken. And their story isn’t over. "No" may be a complete sentence, but it's not a complete story.
You're walking a sacred path - the path of patient, grace-soaked parenting that sees what Jesus sees. The kind that honors process. The kind that believes in slow yeses. The kind that reflects the kingdom of God belonging to the least of these.
And you don’t have to walk it alone.
Want practical tools and deeper encouragement for parenting your neurodivergent child with grace?
Our workshop, Peacemaker Parenting: Neuro-Unique Kids, is full of hope, neuroscience, and Jesus-centered strategies - designed especially for parents like you.
You’ll walk away with a better understanding of your child’s brain, tools to reduce power struggles, and a renewed confidence in your ability to lead with compassion.
You're not alone—and you don't have to figure this out on your own.
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