Parenting is a journey filled with love, joy, and, at times, overwhelming challenges. There are moments when our children's behaviors - tantrums, defiance, whining, or even just their boundless energy and unending noise can ignite something deep within us. These reactions, often disproportionate to the situation, are known as triggers. They are usually the echoes of our past: unresolved emotions or beliefs that resurface in the heat of the moment. In this post, we address a heartfelt question from a parent navigating these very challenges.

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Dear Amanda & David,

I love my kids deeply, but sometimes, their behavior triggers something in me. It's like a switch flips, and I react in ways I know I shouldn't: yelling, threatening, withdrawing, and blaming them for my own reactivity. I want to parent with patience and grace, but in those intense moments, it's like all of my knowledge goes out the window and I wind up resorting unhealthy (and maybe even toxic?) reactions. How can I navigate these situations without letting my triggers take control? - Alexis, mom of 3 under 4

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Dear Alexis,

First, thank you for your honesty. That moment you just described? We’ve lived it, too. You are not alone, you're not broken, and there is so much hope!

In Peacemaker Parenting™ we teach a two-sided approach to parenting: Proactive - the teaching and coaching you do outside the heat of the moment to build and practice skills and abilities, and Responsive - the way you respond to your child in the tricky moments. That framework applies not just to our children’s behavior, but to our own triggers as well! Let's take a look at what that might look like:

Proactive Parenting: What Happens Outside the Challenging Moment

Proactive parenting is the work we do before the storm. It’s how we prepare our bodies, minds, and hearts for the moments that are hardest. When it comes to parenting triggers, this looks like:

  • Identifying the root of what’s really bothering you. Are you reacting to our child, or to how you were treated as a child?

  • Learning how your body regulatesbest. Some bodies need movement, others need stillness. Knowing what works for you is key. (Hint: once you know what your nervous system needs to regulate, you can build rhythms into your day that do that work preemptively so you are less likely to be reactive when triggered!)

  • Write a short prayer to pray when you're starting to feel triggered. Jesus promised you a Helper, and that means you don't have to depend on your own grit and striving to get through challenging moments. Invite the Holy Spirit to join you, or ask Him to fill your heart with joy, or simply thank Him for His nearness and that He isn't anxious or bothered.

  • Creating a plan for how you want to respond during your hardest moments. (We like to think of it like writing a script for your future self to use.)

  • Recognizing which triggers you can control, and which you can’t. You may not be able to control your child’s meltdown in the grocery aisle, but you canusually control if you and your child go shopping while hungry, thirst, and/or tired.

  • Deciding ahead of time when you’ll respond immediately (like when someone is hurt or unsafe) and when you’ll take a moment to reset before responding.
Proactive work doesn’t mean you’ll never be triggered again. In fact, it recognizes and accepts that you will be triggered again, and gives you skills and tools to support you when challenging moments or behaviors show up.
Responsive Parenting: What Happens In the Challenging Moment

This is where the proactive work meets real life! When you feel your body beginning to spiral: heart racing, muscles tightening, jaw clenching, fists forming, breaths increasing and shallow, it's time to pause + practice the skills and tools in real-time. Here are a few ideas for responding with your body and your words:

 Respond with your body:

  • Stop - as long as everyone is physically safe, stop your body.

  • Place your hands on your heart and take a few deep breaths or pray for wisdom

  • Sit down or move to your Grace Space (a calm-down area you’ve already chosen).

  • Motion changes emotion: wiggle your fingers, shake out your hands, or gently rock  yourself.

  • Breathe. Slowly and deeply.
Then respond with your words:

  • To God: "Jesus, be near." or "Holy Spirit, come."

  • To yourself: “This is not an emergency.”

  • To your child: “This is tough for both of us. I need a few minutes to calm my body, then I will help you.”
In Peacemaker Parenting, we believe that correction is most effective when it’s paired with connection. Your first job is to make sure everyone is safe - including you. Your second is to restore a sense of emotional safety before moving forward.

If you don’t know what to say or do, go to your calm-down place. Let that space become a sanctuary of grace for you and your child alike.
You're Not Alone, and you Don't have to do this Alone!

Learning to replace reactive patterns with restorative practices is sacred work. It’s the slow, holy transformation that reshapes families for generations. If that feels overwhelming, take heart: each and every one of us is doing this slow, sacred, spirit-led work! 

You don't have to do this alone: we’d love to invite you to our next workshop:

Peacemaker Parenting: The Peaceful Reset
Healing Angry Reactions and Restoring Calm Confidence in the Midst of Chaos


🗓 Thursday, May 29 | ⏰ 8:00–9:30 PM CST | 💻 Online via Zoom
🎟️  $20 — includes a printable guidebook and replay link

In this workshop, we’ll help you understand your nervous system, clarify your triggers, and create an actual plan for peace - even in the hardest moments.


Are you struggle with Yelling? Check out our post: How to S.W.I.T.C.H. Off your Yelling Habit


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