When it comes to obedience, one of the biggest mindset shifts we can make is seeing it as more than just rule-following- it’s about relationship. In Peacemaker Parenting, obedience isn’t about control; it’s about connection, trust, and discipleship. In this post, we’re answering your biggest questions about obedience so you can move beyond power struggles and into a more peaceful, Jesus-centered approach.
Obedience. It’s one of the first things we’re told to expect from our children. But what if the way we think about obedience needs a radical shift? As Christian parents, we’re called to something deeper than mere rule-following. We’re invited into a journey where obedience flows from love, is empowered by grace, and is rooted in a relationship of trust—not fear or control. Enter Peacemaker Parenting: a gentle, grace-filled approach to raising children that goes beyond obedience for obedience’s sake and teaches our kids to obey out of love and wisdom.
In this FAQ-style post, we explore the question of obedience from a biblical perspective and how it intersects with respectful, relational parenting. We’ll look at what obedience truly means, why it's about more than compliance, and how we can nurture a heart of trust and wisdom in our children.
1. What does the Bible say about obedience in parenting?
In Ephesians 6:1, the Bible commands children to obey their parents. Unfortunately, this verse is often taken outside of its full context, leading to a host of practical applications that are both antithetical to Christ’s heart for parenting and harmful to a secure and healthy parent-child attachment bond.
It's important to note that Scripture does not command parents to demand obedience in a controlling or coercive manner.
From Chapter 6 in our book, The Flourishing Family:
...this passage is often interpreted to include an implicit command: Parents should force their children to obey. If we don’t make children do what we ask, how will they ever learn? However, if we take the verse in its context (Ephesians 5:22–6:9), we see its true meaning revealed. Does the directive “Wives, submit to your husbands” (Ephesians 5:22) contain an implicit command that husbands should force their wives to submit? Or does the command “Husbands, love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25) implic- itly mean that wives should force their husbands to love them? In fact, the commands that Paul gives in this passage are delicately intertwined—and if force is any part of the equation, one of the commands is being broken. If a husband forces his wife to follow the command to submit, he breaks the command given to him to love her as himself. If a master uses fear and trembling to force his slaves to obey, he breaks the command given to him not to use threats (see Ephesians 6:5-9). If we force our children to follow the command to obey, we break the command given to us not to stir up anger in them.
The heart of this command is not about external compliance but about fostering a life-long relationship built on love and respect. As parents, our focus should be on teaching children to obey out of love and trust, not fear or punishment.
Parents are not called to "require obedience". In fact, a cursory read through the book of Proverbs reveals that imploring our children to heed our warnings, listen to our wisdom, and follow our instructions is a timeless parenting experience!
In Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:23, Paul gives Christian parents two direct commands:
- Be mindful of your child's emotions (do not anger, exasperate, frustrate, or discourage)
- Teach and train them in the way of Lord Jesus
These two commands would have been radical to the early Christian church. Not only was it completely counter-cultural to value a child so highly as to be mindful of their emotions, nurturing them in the way of Lord Jesus was in direct resistance to teaching them in the way of lord Caesar.
But beyond that, these two directives are beautifully detailed examples that God is the author of both Scripture and Science. That Paul was inspired to place the emotional well-being of children before the instruction to teach them is better understood because of modern neuroscience. When a child's brain is dysregulated (frustrated, angry, exasperated), its learning centers are far less efficient! When they feel connected, safe, and loved, they are better able to learn the important lessons we're teaching them.
2. Should parents expect immediate obedience from their children?
Expecting immediate obedience may be tempting, and often comes from really good intentions, but it fails to honor God's divine design for development, attachment, and age-appropriate expectations. Children, especially younger ones, typically need time to process verbal directions, their own emotions, and reasoning and expectations behind commands. Immediate compliance seem like a good idea, but it doesn't nurture a child’s heart toward genuine, heartfelt obedience, instead teaching them to follow rules out of fear or habit.
Peacemaker Parenting emphasizes that God's plan for obedience comes from a relationship of love and trust (John 14:15). When children trust their parents, they are more likely to choose heartfelt obedience out of love and trust for parents and God. Parents can model obedience themselves by joyfully following God’s guidance and inviting their children into that same loving obedience.
3. What’s the difference between external compliance and genuine obedience?
External compliance—doing what is asked without understanding the reasoning or heart behind it—is not the same as trust-based, heartfelt obedience. The gospel teaches us that obedience should flow from a heart of love for God, not from fear of punishment or the desire for reward (John 14:15-21, I John 4:18, James 2).
As parents, our goal is not to create compliant children who follow orders without thinking, but to nurture children who willingly obey out of a deep understanding of God's love and guidance. The Spirit works in our children’s hearts, and no amount of external pressure will transform their hearts. Rather, it’s through consistent love, gentle correction, and wise teaching that children are drawn to trust and obey.
Obedience is important, but it should never be reduced to mere rule-following or external behavior. What truly matters is the heart behind the obedience—obedience driven by trust, love, and relationship with God.
4. Is obedience just about rule-following?
Obedience, in the Christian context, is about more than simply following rules—it’s about living in relationship with God, trusting His Spirit, and reflecting His love. As we teach our children about obedience, we should aim to also (and perhaps more importantly) cultivate wisdom in our children, which allows them to discern right from wrong, and to understand why obedience is important in light of God’s love.
When we raise our children to make wise decisions based on Scripture and their relationship with God, we prepare them for a life of obedience rooted in trust and love—rather than obedience motivated by fear, shame, or a desire to avoid consequences.
5. How can we teach our children to obey with a heart of love?
Teaching children to obey with a heart of love starts with modeling the behavior we want to see. When children see us obeying God out of love for Him, when we teach them that God's Spirit helps us obey and is always there to help them obey, they begin to understand that obedience is not about fear, control, or constantly trying to do it on our own, but about love and partnership with the Holy Spirit.
To encourage this type of obedience, we must:
- Model obedience: Show them what it looks like to obey God with a heart of love and trust in His plan and story.
- Connect before you correct: Before disciplining, take the time to connect with your child’s heart. Seek to understand why they are struggling and gently guide them toward understanding the right course of action.
- Teach wisdom, not just rules: Help your child understand the "why" and the values behind your family rules. Wisdom and discernment help children make better choices not just in their immediate circumstances but throughout their lives.
6. What role does grace play in teaching obedience?
Grace + accountability is at the heart of Peacemaker Parenting. Just as God extends grace to us and empowers us by His Spirit, we are called to extend grace to our children. Grace allows for mistakes, poor choices, and yes - even defiance, and teaches children that obedience is not about perfection or obligation, but about the heart’s posture toward a God who deeply loves them and desires their good.
When children disobey, our response should be one of gentleness and correction, not harsh punishment (Galatians 6:1-2). Grace teaches children that they are loved and valued even when they fall short, and that reconciliation (making things right) is the heart of the Gospel and the work of God, not ourselves.
7. Can obedience ever be forced?
While parents can set boundaries and encourage obedience, forcing obedience is not the biblical approach. God does not force us into obedience; He calls us to follow Him out of love. Likewise, we should approach our children with the same attitude of honor, patience, mercy, and love, guiding them to make wise decisions while fostering a heart of trust.
A relationship of honor and trust with our children helps them learn obedience without the need for harsh commands or control. When we respond in ways that reinforce the attachment bond, model grace, prioritize reconciliation, and teach age-appropriate accountability, we give our children the opportunity to trust our influence and relationship - something that will outlast the need or appropriateness of obedience.
8. How can I handle disobedience without resorting to punishment?
Disobedience is inevitable, but our response can shape our child’s understanding of obedience. Instead of immediate punishment, try the following:
- Pause and connect: Before reacting, try to understand why your child is disobeying. Often, unmet needs or emotions drive behavior.
- Teach consequences: Instead of punishment, help your child understand natural consequences and guide them toward making better choices next time.
- When needed, hold the boundary with short-term, related consequences. Many parents tend to rely on negative consequences, and Peacemaker Parenting advocates for using them minimally, and only when necessary to hold a limit or boundary.
- Utilize consequences that prepare: Activities that build skills, habits, and emotional regulation, practicing the growing habit, skill or expectation, and using play and story-telling to help them learn the values behind the rules are all vastly more impactful for a child's learning than negative consequences.
- Focus on restoration: Encourage your child to repair relationships and learn from their mistakes, always reinforcing that they are loved and forgiven.
9. What’s the long-term goal of Peacemaker Parenting when it comes to obedience?
The ultimate goal is not to create children who obey simply because they fear the consequences of disobedience. The goal is to raise children whose hearts are aligned with God’s heart and who choose obedience because they love Him and trust His heart for them. This takes time, patience, and consistent modeling, and ultimately, it is the work of the Holy Spirit to transform their hearts.
Peacemaker Parenting focuses on building a relationship of trust and respect, teaching children to make wise choices, and fostering an environment where obedience flows naturally out of love, not obligation. This creates a peaceful, joyful home where everyone - parents and children alike - grow in grace and wisdom.
Conclusion
Obedience is important, but it should never be about external compliance or fear. Peacemaker Parenting invites parents to raise children who obey out of love, trust, and wisdom, not simply because they fear punishment. While obedience is a key part of our faith, we are called to nurture children in ways that reflect God’s love—teaching them to obey Him from the heart, not because they are forced to. By focusing on the relationship, modeling trust-based obedience, and cultivating wisdom, we raise children who not only obey but also love and honor God with their lives.
Are you wondering what this looks like in every day life with your children? Our upcoming LIVE online workshop, Raising Kids who Listen: Obedience Rooted in Trust will dive deeper into this topic.
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