Brooke, one of the moms in The Mentorship, shared this story with us recently that perfectly illustrates the Peacemaker Parenting approach to consequences:
"That last time we were at my mom's house, Eli (4) started playing with a ball inside. He wasn't being particularly naughty or disruptive with it, so we adults just sort of kept talking and didn't pay that much attention. Before I knew it, Eli had thrown the ball at just the right angle and knocked a picture off the credenza, breaking the glass. In the past I would have been very stern with him, scolded him for being naught, put him in time-out, and put the ball away. This time I tried to focus on future-facing consequences. Because there was glass involved I didn't make him help me clean it up. But we did talk to his Grandma and together we decided that Eli and I would go to the craft store and replace the glass in the frame. We also defined new expectations that balls are only for the back patio or back yard at Grandma's house. My mom is going to get an all-weather basket or tote to keep outside toys in for the future."
First, let us make this disclaimer perfectly clear, because sometimes it is misunderstood or misconstrued: Peacemaker Parenting does not avoid all consequences, and we personally don't believe consequences should never be used.
That being said, when a parent's mindset is heavily weighted towards consequences, they are more likely to fail at helping children learn the skills and tools, and gain the maturity needed to do better next time. Focusing on consequences is a backward-facing approach. Focusing on empowering is a forward-facing approach. This is why, in Peacemaker Parenting, we do not rely on consequences to hold boundaries and limits or to manage and control behavior.
HELP VS. HURT
Nearly every choice and behavior has a natural consequence or outcome, and those natural consequences can sometimes be the best teachers. When we settle into a consequence-heavy mindset, it is easy to unintentionally hurt our children with the consequence (which breaks trust and connection and inhibits their ability to learn to do better), rather than helping them know what or how to do differently next time. Rather than looking forward to what can be done differently next time, our child focuses on the imposed consequence (which can very easily just be a "punishment" delivered more gently).
Max Bledsoe, father of Drew Bledsoe and author of Parenting with Dignity explains why this can be counter productive:
"When a parent resorts to punishment, parent and child pay attention to the punishment, its fairness, and whether it has been enforced or followed. The child stops thinking about the decision process in his mind that brought about the negative consequences—and doesn’t think at all about what he might do differently."
EMPOWERING VS. IMPOSING
It isn't that there is never a need for logical consequences - there certainly are! But removing a child from a harmful situation or taking away something to keep it safe merely fixes the problem in the moment. Our children need to be patiently coached, guided, taught, and empowered with how to handle the same situation next time. Empowering them with emotional regulation tools, scripts for respectful conflict, and what or how to do better next time equips them for the future rather than punishing them for the past.
This is where future-facing consequences can be so life-giving.
FUTURE VS. PAST
Future-focused discipline allows us to evaluate our children as whole beings, taking into account their physical, emotional, and sensory needs, their personalities, and their development. That enables us as parents to create a robust and wholistic approach to empowering them for the future. This can take many forms, from practicing impulse control through classic childhood games like Simon Says and Red Light, Green Light, (which, admittedly may not feel very "discipline-y", but it is important to build and strengthen a child's impulse control "muscle" before placing an expectation on them that is rooted in controlling impulses and urges) to brainstorming a code word or private prompt for you to use when they need a gentle reminder to speak with respect and honor.
The summer our boys were 7 and 8 they struggled with sibling conflict more than what we thought was typical. It felt like every little thing turned into an explosive argument. By that time we'd spent a few years teaching them healthy conflict resolution, but all of it seemed to have gone out the window.
We could have punished them for fighting, or used a reward system to motivate them to focus on being kind to each other. Instead, we invited them to write and illustrate their own P.E.A.C.E. Plan. They spent a couple of hours one afternoon creating a conflict resolution guide customized to their personalities and needs, that they were then able to use any time they had disagreements or problems that needed intentional peace infused into the situation. This is a future-facing consequence - it empowers them with a tangible tool to help them in the future, rather than using negative consequences to try to deter their fighting.
Want to learn more? Our upcoming workshop, Peacemaker Parenting: Consequences is all about natural, logical, imposed, and future-facing consequences! Learn more, and register here.
We've all experienced it! Children have strong desires and wishes and are usually very efficient and assertive in communicating them! They also have one-track minds. When they see a toy at the store they are really not able to make a mental list of all the toys they have back home. Especially once their emotions start to take over. They have limited impulse control and they will find it hard to think about something else. This is all normal. Just because they want the toy or treasure they see right now doesn't mean they are not thankful for the whole room full of toys they have at home.
BIBLICAL COMPASSION
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives. Everyone who seeks, finds." - Matthew 7:7-8
As parents, we can learn from our child's persistent and hopeful requests from us - it's how Jesus invites us to come to Him! That doesn't mean we can or should give in to every request immediately, but we can cultivate soft and gentle hearts towards our children.
A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE
It's no coincidence that the store checkout has shiny, colorful child-sized items right at their eye level. It's a marketing strategy that no doubt has put money in someone's pocket, and taken money out of the poor parents' pocketbook! Of course we can't indulge our child every time our little ones want a prize or a treasure, but it is helpful to learn that "I want a new prize/treasure/toy" might really mean "I'm craving something tangible that tells me in my own language that you love me.
PREP BEFOREHAND
Before you take them into the store, let your little one know the plan ahead of time. "We're going to the store, and we have plenty of time to look and shop, but we are not buying any new toys today. If you see something you want, we can put it on your wish list!" Note: In order to cultivate trust, you do actually have to shop off their wish list! If you don't, they will pick up on this trick as simply dismissing their wishes, and will push back against adding things to their wish list.
KEEP A WISH LIST
Keep a pocket notebook in your bag, or make a list on your phone's Notes app. Label the list with your child's name, and let them see that the list is real. When they see a toy or treasure they really want, offer to add it to their list. (This is an example of turning a "no" into a "yes".) "I can tell you really want that Lego set! I'II be happy to put that on your wish list. Do you want to put it on a Christmas wish list or on a list to remind you when you have spending money with you?" Remember to reference the list when it IS time to get a new toy!
TAKE A PICTURE
Some kids are visual, and they like the visual reminder more than a written list. You can make an album on your phone to keep the photos in and offer to let your little ones review the pictorial wish list when they have spending money. If you have an iPhone, you can also add photos to your list in Notes, and then delete the photo from your photo album.
ONE THING TO CONSIDER
Something to keep in mind is that there's a good chance that a child who is notoriously prone to "gimmies" or really struggles with adding to a wish list instead of purchasing, may have a love language of gifts. Pray for wisdom to know when and how to show them love in the way God designed them.
Want to learn more about Peacemaker Parenting? Our 1 hour workshop is an introduction to the core principles and foundations of Peacemaker Parenting and is full of practical tools and strategies for leading your family with peace and grace:
One of the biggest mindset shifts we had to make when we first started on a new parenting journey was that discipline and punishment are fundamentally different and they serve different purposes.
Punishment is retributive. It is intentionally inflicts pain. It is fear-based and it focuses on the past. Discipline is restorative. It infuses love. It is trust-based and focuses on empowering children for the future.
Parenting from a posture of peace means that our discipline is rooted in peace. Do our children always love it? No. Discipline isn’t necessarily enjoyable. But it also isn’t intentionally painful. But when it comes to discipline, parenting as a peacemaker takes a proactive and restorative approach. It aims to empower, equip, and encourage children to learn to do the right thing because it is the right thing, not because they are scared of the consequences.
A child doing the right thing because they are afraid of getting hurt (emotionally or physically) is not the same thing as a child doing the right thing because they understand another's perspective and genuinely want to do the right thing.
Proactive and restorative discipline requires parents to set their eye on the long term goal of cultivating within a child intrinsic motivation to act with charity, generosity, compassion, courage, kindness, and empathy because it is the right thing to do. And yes, that's hard sometimes! But keeping your eye on the goal, not what's in front of you right now, will help you stay focused and committed to proactive discipline.
WHAT IS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUNISHMENT AND DISCIPLINE?
Understanding how punishment and discipline are different can help you respond to your child's misbehavior or behavior challenges with grace and gentleness. Keeping discipline, rather than punishment, as the goal, will empower you to come up with a future-focused approach, rather than a past-focused approach.
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUNISHMENT AND DISCIPLINE IN THE BIBLE?
There's no way around it: punishment and discipline both exist in Scripture. Throughout the Biblical narrative we find divine judgment and punishment, as well as wisdom-based discipline, and everything in between.
Looking at the big picture Bible is telling, with particular individuals, the nation of Israel, and His church, a pattern begins to emerge. God does not bring negative consequences into every situation in the same way. Instead there are, broadly speaking, two ways that God enacts these consequences on humans in His creation:
This pattern emerges from how the Bible is speaking about and describing various events. It is not drawn from the Bible’s precise and consistent use of the words “punishment” and “discipline” as terms with highly specialized meanings. So the use of particular vocabulary is not the only determiner of how a passage fits into this pattern. Instead the context and the content of each passage will help us understand what it is describing and how it fits within the pattern.
In Peacemaker Parenting, we draw distinctions between discipline and punishment. This is a mental framing device that helps us orient our positive encouragement and negative correction towards the future benefit of our child. So while we would encourage natural consequences as a regular feature of our children’s lives and logical consequences as a useful disciplinary tool that should be deployed judiciously, we would dissent from illogical and punitive consequences as a helpful form of discipline.
To be clear, the Bible will not neatly follow modern ideas about parenting in its vocabulary choices. That’s perfectly fine. We’re not trying to impose a 21st century framework onto an ancient text. We’re trying to grasp how these concepts were understood in the Bible and then apply those insights wisdom, and Jesus' kingdom ethic to our parenting today.
Want to learn more? Our Punishment and Discipline in the Bible Workshop is a deep dive on this topic!
You might also like:
Storytelling is a powerful tool to help children learn empathy, understand another person's perspective, process hard experiences and feelings, and brainstorm different ways to respond to specific situations. It can also be used to get an inside look at how your child might learn best, or how they want to be treated by you when they mess up.
THE SCIENCE OF STORYTELLING
Humans are natural storytellers and listeners, and this inclination is deeply ingrained in our biology and psychology and is part of God's beautiful design. Several key reasons explain why stories resonate with us and are so effective in conveying lessons:
- Emotional Connection: Stories often elicit emotions, and these emotional connections help us remember the content more vividly. This is because stories engage both the logical and emotional parts of our brains.
- Neurological Activation: When we hear a well-told story, various parts of our brain become active, including those responsible for language processing, sensory experiences, and even motor functions. This activation increases our engagement with the material.
- Mirror Neurons: These neurons in the brain fire when we observe someone performing an action. When we listen to a story, our mirror neurons enable us to put ourselves in the shoes of the characters, making the story relatable and memorable.
- Retention and Recall: Studies have shown that information presented in a narrative format is more likely to be retained and recalled than data presented in a dry, factual manner. This is because stories create a mental "hook" for memories to latch onto.
TEACHING CHILDREN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS
Storytelling can be a potent tool for teaching children critical life lessons. Whether it's honesty, kindness, empathy, or resilience, stories provide a gentle, indirect way to convey these values. Here are some strategies for effectively using storytelling to impart important life lessons to children:
- Character Development: Create relatable characters facing situations that reflect the values you want to teach. As children follow their journeys, they can identify with their challenges, decisions, and growth.
- Moral Dilemmas: Introduce moral dilemmas and let the characters navigate them. This encourages children to think critically and develop their own moral compass.
- Discussion and Reflection: After reading or hearing a story, engage children in open-ended discussions. Ask them about the characters' choices and the consequences of those choices, encouraging them to reflect on the lessons learned.
- Stories from Diverse Perspectives: Share stories from various cultures and backgrounds to broaden children's horizons and foster empathy and understanding for different viewpoints.
JESUS THE MASTER STORYTELLER
If teaching and discipling your children with storytelling seems a little...off the beaten bath, remember that Jesus frequently used stories (parables) to teach important lessons. And that should come as no surprise, considering we're wired for story!
TELL STORIES WITH BOOKS
One of the easiest ways to put storytelling into practice is to read with your children. Books like What Should Danny Do?, My Body Sends a Signal, and Breathe and Squeeze are perfect to teach children about consequences, the physical signs of emotions, and co-regulation, respectfully. (And check out our full list of tools for teaching here.)
TELL STORIES WITH MADE-UP CHARACTERS
You can create an imaginary character and use it to tell stories about specific behaviors, feelings, or struggles your child is struggling with. When our boys were small, we created a little forrest community with several characters. Little Bear was the main character, with Mama Bear, Daddy Bear, Owen Owl, Susie Squirrel, and Granny Bear as supporting characters. At night, we would tell a Little Bear story that either reflected on a difficult moment from that day, or was preparing them for an upcoming big or new experience.
Here are a few examples:
In conclusion, the science behind our attraction to stories is well-grounded in brain science, and it underscores the effectiveness of storytelling as a tool for teaching children important life lessons. By creating relatable characters, presenting moral dilemmas, and encouraging discussion, caregivers and educators can harness the power of narrative to shape the values and beliefs of the next generation. The enduring tradition of storytelling, as exemplified by Jesus' use of parables, demonstrates that the art of storytelling has been a means of imparting wisdom for millennia, and it remains just as relevant and impactful today.
Before we can lead and guide our children to cultivate peace in the midst of conflict, we must work on our mindset. Instead of viewing not wanting to apologize as a sign of rebellion or defiance, or meanness, shift your mindset and train yourself to see it as a sign your child still needs help with interpersonal relationships.
DEVELOPMENTAL PERSPECTIVE
Up to around age 7 , children have a natural and God-given lack of empathy. It isn't a character flaw or because they're mean-spirited. Rather, it is because seeing life through another person's eyes is a profoundly advanced concept, and the part of the brain that is primarily responsible for perspective-taking, is under-developed. Children have a hard enough time identifying their own emotions, much less someone else's!
JESUS-CENTERED PERSPECTIVE
"He who speaks truth tells what is right, But a false witness, deceit." Proverbs 12:17
TEACHING AUTHENTIC APOLOGIES
If a child is not ready to apologize, let's not coerce them to say things they don't mean. Instead,
“I can tell you’re not ready to apologize. That’s okay, lots of people have a hard time saying I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s because we feel shy or embarrassed, and sometimes it’s because we aren’t really sorry and we don’t want to say things that we don’t mean. When you’re ready, it’s usually best to say 'I’m sorry, how can I make this right?’
And leave it. You may find that much of the time they do initiate their apology on their own time. But if it winds up going unsaid, and the relationship is mended anyway, that may be a wonderful time to teach about grace and forgiveness.
TEACH WITH A TOOL
The Daniel Tiger App has a great little jingle to help remind kids how to say "I'm sorry, now how can I help?"
DEVELOPMENTAL PERSPECTIVE
Up to around age 7 , children have a natural and God-given lack of empathy. It isn't a character flaw or because they're mean-spirited. Rather, it is because seeing life through another person's eyes is a profoundly advanced concept, and the part of the brain that is primarily responsible for perspective-taking, is under-developed. Children have a hard enough time identifying their own emotions, much less someone else's!
JESUS-CENTERED PERSPECTIVE
"He who speaks truth tells what is right, But a false witness, deceit." Proverbs 12:17
TEACHING AUTHENTIC APOLOGIES
If a child is not ready to apologize, let's not coerce them to say things they don't mean. Instead,
“I can tell you’re not ready to apologize. That’s okay, lots of people have a hard time saying I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s because we feel shy or embarrassed, and sometimes it’s because we aren’t really sorry and we don’t want to say things that we don’t mean. When you’re ready, it’s usually best to say 'I’m sorry, how can I make this right?’
And leave it. You may find that much of the time they do initiate their apology on their own time. But if it winds up going unsaid, and the relationship is mended anyway, that may be a wonderful time to teach about grace and forgiveness.
TEACH WITH A TOOL
The Daniel Tiger App has a great little jingle to help remind kids how to say "I'm sorry, now how can I help?"
LOOKING FOR MORE?
The Our Siblings Workshop talks a lot about apologies and teaching young children how to bring peace to conflict. You can learn more here.
