First, parenting without punishments isn't permissive. Here's why:
Jesus is our model. When we look at the life, teaching, and ministry of Jesus, we see the life-changing power of discipleship. Jesus confronted, rebuked, and corrected sin, but He never punished His disciples or followers. Even when He had the right to call for legal punishment, He chose mercy. Was Jesus permissive? No!
Jesus' warnings about mercy
Not only did Jesus give us a model for grace and mercy, but He also gave a warning about mercy in Matthew 18:23-35. And surprisingly, that warning is about being stingy with forgiveness and mercy—not being too generous with it. While His parables are not necessarily directives, the fact that His only warning on the topic is about not showing enough mercy, we as Christ- followers should give serious consideration to the implications.
Grace and mercy are not mutually exclusive with accountability
One of the key pillars of Peacemaker Parenting is that we recognize the need for accountability and restoration. We also recognize that God postures Himself toward us in reconciliation before we seek repentance. God initiated restored relationship and it cost Him everything and me nothing. So if we're looking to parent our children with Jesus at the center of our home and family, we have to be willing to bear the "cost" of repair when it is beyond their ability or capacity to repair. Understanding this means that accountability looks like restoration, not retribution and that it is a virtue taught over many years.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Remember your parenting is a calling, not a reaction to how you were parented.
For those of us who are followers of Christ Jesus, how we parent should first and foremost be a calling and conviction of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and it should reflect the heart, character, teaching, and life of Jesus.
It's much easier to slide into permissiveness when our parenting choices are made as a reaction to how we were parented. Rather than moving forward in the Way of Jesus, we swing the pendulum in the opposite direction of our upbringing. This is, quite simply, just another form of reactive parenting.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Respond to, but don't feel responsible for your child's emotions.
You are responsible for nurturing, connecting with, and meeting your child's needs. And you're responsible for teaching them about emotions. But that is not the same thing as fixing their feelings or trying to make sure they're happy all the time. When you feel responsible for making sure your child is happy, you'll wind up giving in to demands, whims, and wishes just to keep the peace. This is neither Jesus-centered nor healthy parenting. Instead of fixing, respond with understanding and compassion while also holding necessary boundaries.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Be clear, compassionate, and calm with boundaries
Kids are going to experience disappointment, confusion, upset, sadness, and overwhelm when it comes to holding boundaries. Those are normal human emotions that they'll experience thousands of times in life. Parents not being overwhelmed by their feelings teaches them how not to be overwhelmed by their feelings, so it’s up to us to learn to be be the non-anxious presence that they need.
Your calm nervous system quite literally teaches their nervous system how to return to a state of calm (over many years and with lots of practice!).
Focus on building your personal calming toolkit: try things like butterfly hugs, breath prayers, rubbing a circle on your chest, spending time in nature, getting some intense exercise more regularly, etc and see what helps you the most.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Be aware of developmental ability and capacity
Understanding how God designed children to develop is critical for having wisdom about your expectations for them. Unreasonable expectations are neither Christlike nor healthy. When you understand a child's ability and capacity, you are able to better discern how to respond to age-appropriate, but unacceptable behaviors. This requires so much wisdom, attunement to your child's physical, emotional, and sensory needs, self-awareness, and emotional maturity. It is a learning process, and that's okay.
Avoiding Permissiveness: Make, practice, and evaluate a response plan
One of the most tangible ways to minimize permissiveness is to have a plan of action. That plan should be based on your core values, an understanding of your child's development and learning style, and your ability and capacity. For parents who tend to be easily angered or reactive, the first part of their plan might be to step away in order to calm down.
While parents who don't struggle with anger will not need this physical reminder to be calm.) Writing out a plan of action for some of your most challenging parenting situations helps you be proactive and responsive in the heat of the moment.
Looking for tools that will help you parent with peace and purpose? Check out our Peacemaker Parenting workshop:
It is good to have visions and goals For many people, myself included, the start of the new year symbolizes a fresh start and new beginnings. I'm not trying to discourage you from setting goals. I've created many a vision board and set many intentions over the years. In fact, for the past three years I've shared the following parenting goals:
Unfortunately for many of us, New Year's isn't actually the best time to be setting new goals. Research indicates that only about 9% of people who make New Year's resolutions actually complete or accomplish them. So what if we switched it up a bit? And gave ourselves just the new habit of asking one question each day?
It's a simple question that may not have a simple answer. But I want to invite you to ask it because it centers Jesus as the source of growth and change, not our own grit and grind. And it reminds us that we are invited to participate in the work Christ is already doing, not merely to "do better, try harder" at being the person we wish we could be.
That is our hope, this new year. Jesus is at work in and through us. And while we may have good goals and big visions for change this year, we'll find sustainable growth in daily answering His invitation for small, often mundane maturing.
Goals are good. But if they're overwhelming in this season of your life, I hope you know that it is okay not to set any. Jesus is already working in and through you. He is always making all things new. He's making you new today, just like He was on October 25 and will be on April 3. And while it is helpful to embrace the motivation and energy we feel from others, if that motivation and energy leaves you feeling like you have to strive to keep up, to be new, or to be better, it's the wrong kind of energy. Jesus calls us to abide in, and rest in the work He has already done, and trust in and join Him in the work He is still doing.
WHAT IS PEACEMAKER PARENTING?
Peacemaker Parenting is a model for parenting that is rooted in the teachings of Jesus and backed by modern neuroscience. It equips parents and caregivers to develop deeply connected and secure relationships with their children, and empowers them with tools and strategies to lead and guide their families with Jesus, and His grace, at the center of their homes and families. You can learn more about Peacemaker Parenting here.
WHAT ARE THE PEACEMAKING GOALS OF CONSEQUENCES?
Let's lay the foundation for consequences in Peacemaker Parenting. In the old parenting paradigm, you may have thought of consequences as a way to "teach them a lesson", make them feel as bad as they made someone else feel, or as a punishment for bad behavior. We sure did! We viewed consequences as a way to correct sin right here, right now, so that they'll never do it again! Right? Wrong.
Negative consequences can be highly effective at teaching children what not to do. They use a child’s fear/survival response in the brain to make associations between poor choices/bad behavior and negative stimuli. The problem is: the child isn’t actually learning anything. In the brain, it’s simply behavior adaptation for survival. And the skills, wisdom, perspective, critical thinking, emotional regulation, and alternative actions aren’t being developed or taught with negative consequences.
In Peacemaker Parenting, consequences serve a different purpose altogether. They are not intended to make a child suffer, in other words, they're not about retribution. And they’re not even reactionary. As much as we're able, consequences are responsive and proactive:
The three primary goals of consequences are:
Restore relationship
Guide towards wisdom
Reinforce necessary boundariesWhen we shift our view of consequences from punitive to edifying, it completely changes how we interact with our children when consequences are needed.
Lastly, consequences are primarily about equipping for the future, not about punishing the past. You can learn more about future-facing consequences here.
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Holidays are a pretty special time of year. They're special for so many reasons, and young children don't always understand those reasons. What they do understand is that things are quite out of the ordinary, and that can cause feelings of anxiousness, excitement, apprehension, and curiosity.
Setting our little ones up for a great holiday experience means that we need to prepare them for what to expect. You can use the acronym P.R.E.P to help you know how to pepare your child for the next several weeks of extra excitement.
P = PREPARE
Leading up to the holiday season, prepare your child for what the next several weeks will look like. You may want to prepare them for:
- Schedules and routines that fall outside you family's normal. “We will be visiting Grandma and Grandpa and their supper time is usually a little bit later than ours. That’s okay, because we will have snacks if you get hungry before supper is ready.”
- Changes to how places look. (This is especially important for potential sensory overload.) “When we go to church tomorrow things might look a little different. There will probably be extra flowers and maybe a Christmas tree, and I just want you to know that it will look different.” or “When we go shopping there will be someone ringing a bell at the front doors. They’re collecting money for people who don’t have enough. The bell might seem really loud to you, it’s okay to cover your ears.”
- Family members and friends they aren’t very familiar with. “You’re going to get to see Aunt Brenda. Do you remember her? No? She loves you very much, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to talk to her or hug her right away. Sometimes it takes a little while to warm up to people. I will be with you.”
- New food. “Every year Grammy makes Swedish Meatballs for Christmas Eve dinner. We’ll make a plate for you and you’ll have a no-thank you bowl you can use. It’s okay if there's something you don't like.”
- Out of the ordinary events, such as Christmas cantatas at church, Christmas parties, and special family gatherings. "Tonight we are going to a candle light service at church. It will be darker and quieter than usual. We will take a fidget toy for you to play with quietly."
- Schedules for holiday celebrations. “After breakfast we will go to Grandma’s house. Once everyone gets there we will open presents, then we’ll eat lunch. After lunch you’ll have play time and then quiet time. If we need to come home for quiet time we can do that too.”
R =ROLE-PLAY
Use toys, pretend play, and role reversal to help prepare your child for big events and specific situations. Play is a great way to coach them on how to respond in tricky situations, and it allows them to practice so they can build skills and confidence. Some specific situations you may want to practice:
- Not liking holiday food
- Not wanting to give hugs or say goodbye
- If someone wants to play with their toys
- If they need alone time or quiet time
- Getting bored in the car
- Sitting through a play or pageant
- Connecting with long distance family virtually
- Taking turns
E =EXPLAIN
Using age-appropriate words and ideas, explain important traditions, family values, and details of how you celebrate. You may want to consider explaining:
- Why your family celebrates specific holidays
- Why family time or Friendsgiving is important to you
- Why you drive a long ways to see family even though car rides are boring
- Where important traditions came from
- Why you don't buy Christmas gifts for your child while they're shopping with you
- Why sitting through a quiet or different church service is important to your family
- Why you celebrate Jesus' birthday
These are conversations that are best had during moments of connection, and they should come across as normal conversation rather than “teaching” or lecturing. You may find yourself explaining these naturally in response to a tender and curious "Why?"
P =PLAN
Preparing your child for your "behavior response plan" helps them know that you will be steady and supportive even when they struggle. The good news is that this can reduce power struggles, and it reinforces attachment and connection. And bonus: there's something about knowing that your child knows what to expect from us that helps hold us accountable!
Here are a few ideas + scripts:
“If you get overwhelmed when everyone is opening presents, you and I can go to our snuggle spot to calm down, then go back to the presents when you’re ready. All of your presents will be there, and we all want you to be able to enjoy opening them.”
“If you don’t like Grandma’s food that’s totally okay. Everyone has different taste buds. We will take chicken nuggets and apples that you can eat if you don’t like any of the food you try.”
“Sometimes it is hard to leave Grandma's house. If it’s especially hard on Christmas day, you can try not saying goodbye.Goodbyes are hard! I will just carry you to the car.”
You don’t have to share your plan for every single scenario (and let’s face it, there’s a good chance your kiddo will present you with a situation you don't have a plan for!). Sharing your plan for you child ahead of time communicates compassion and empathy by normalizing strong emotions during high-stress situations and it builds confidence for you as a parent.
- Let them know the plan and what the day will look like. "Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day! We're going to wake up and eat a special breakfast, then we're going to go meet Grandma and Grandpa at the park and have a picnic. You'll get to play and I bet Grandpa is going to want to swing you. After lunch we'll come home for quiet time, and then before bedtime we're going to go look at Christmas lights!"
- Empathize ahead of time. "You're going to see some family members we don't see very often. It's okay if you don't know what to say or if you don't feel like talking to them. Lots of people feel nervous to talk to new people."
- Remember to use visual clues, not time-bound clues throughout the day. "We're going to eat cheesecake and then we're going to pick up toys, say goodbye, and go home."
- Invite them to help plan and collaborate. "We're going to have a family Zoom call after lunch! Where do you think we should sit for our call? What toys or books do you want to share with Auntie Mac?"
- Make all plans equal. Have multiple plans for a peaceful, successful day, keep your expectations age-appropriate, be flexible, and know that if your little one winds up not getting a nap, it will still work out.
- Keep perspective. Holidays are wonderful, but stressful! There's a good chance even the adults in your family don't fully know what to expect! Cultivate compassion, empathy, and understanding for your little one, yourself, and your family.
Helpful Tool: Visual Routine for Kids
Brooke, one of the moms in The Mentorship, shared this story with us recently that perfectly illustrates the Peacemaker Parenting approach to consequences:
"That last time we were at my mom's house, Eli (4) started playing with a ball inside. He wasn't being particularly naughty or disruptive with it, so we adults just sort of kept talking and didn't pay that much attention. Before I knew it, Eli had thrown the ball at just the right angle and knocked a picture off the credenza, breaking the glass. In the past I would have been very stern with him, scolded him for being naught, put him in time-out, and put the ball away. This time I tried to focus on future-facing consequences. Because there was glass involved I didn't make him help me clean it up. But we did talk to his Grandma and together we decided that Eli and I would go to the craft store and replace the glass in the frame. We also defined new expectations that balls are only for the back patio or back yard at Grandma's house. My mom is going to get an all-weather basket or tote to keep outside toys in for the future."
First, let us make this disclaimer perfectly clear, because sometimes it is misunderstood or misconstrued: Peacemaker Parenting does not avoid all consequences, and we personally don't believe consequences should never be used.
That being said, when a parent's mindset is heavily weighted towards consequences, they are more likely to fail at helping children learn the skills and tools, and gain the maturity needed to do better next time. Focusing on consequences is a backward-facing approach. Focusing on empowering is a forward-facing approach. This is why, in Peacemaker Parenting, we do not rely on consequences to hold boundaries and limits or to manage and control behavior.
HELP VS. HURT
Nearly every choice and behavior has a natural consequence or outcome, and those natural consequences can sometimes be the best teachers. When we settle into a consequence-heavy mindset, it is easy to unintentionally hurt our children with the consequence (which breaks trust and connection and inhibits their ability to learn to do better), rather than helping them know what or how to do differently next time. Rather than looking forward to what can be done differently next time, our child focuses on the imposed consequence (which can very easily just be a "punishment" delivered more gently).
Max Bledsoe, father of Drew Bledsoe and author of Parenting with Dignity explains why this can be counter productive:
"When a parent resorts to punishment, parent and child pay attention to the punishment, its fairness, and whether it has been enforced or followed. The child stops thinking about the decision process in his mind that brought about the negative consequences—and doesn’t think at all about what he might do differently."
EMPOWERING VS. IMPOSING
It isn't that there is never a need for logical consequences - there certainly are! But removing a child from a harmful situation or taking away something to keep it safe merely fixes the problem in the moment. Our children need to be patiently coached, guided, taught, and empowered with how to handle the same situation next time. Empowering them with emotional regulation tools, scripts for respectful conflict, and what or how to do better next time equips them for the future rather than punishing them for the past.
This is where future-facing consequences can be so life-giving.
FUTURE VS. PAST
Future-focused discipline allows us to evaluate our children as whole beings, taking into account their physical, emotional, and sensory needs, their personalities, and their development. That enables us as parents to create a robust and wholistic approach to empowering them for the future. This can take many forms, from practicing impulse control through classic childhood games like Simon Says and Red Light, Green Light, (which, admittedly may not feel very "discipline-y", but it is important to build and strengthen a child's impulse control "muscle" before placing an expectation on them that is rooted in controlling impulses and urges) to brainstorming a code word or private prompt for you to use when they need a gentle reminder to speak with respect and honor.
The summer our boys were 7 and 8 they struggled with sibling conflict more than what we thought was typical. It felt like every little thing turned into an explosive argument. By that time we'd spent a few years teaching them healthy conflict resolution, but all of it seemed to have gone out the window.
We could have punished them for fighting, or used a reward system to motivate them to focus on being kind to each other. Instead, we invited them to write and illustrate their own P.E.A.C.E. Plan. They spent a couple of hours one afternoon creating a conflict resolution guide customized to their personalities and needs, that they were then able to use any time they had disagreements or problems that needed intentional peace infused into the situation. This is a future-facing consequence - it empowers them with a tangible tool to help them in the future, rather than using negative consequences to try to deter their fighting.
Want to learn more? Our upcoming workshop, Peacemaker Parenting: Consequences is all about natural, logical, imposed, and future-facing consequences! Learn more, and register here.
